Student loans are stupid. They never give you enough money. I don't understand why they have to make life so miserable for those who have to use them. It's not like your not going to pay them back. Even if a person files for bankruptcy you still are obligated to pay them off. Today was the first day of classes. I was talking with my classmates, they all have the same opinion of student loans (they are evil). Anyways, student loans is only paying for 4 out of my 5 classes. I also just finished paying off my textbooks and I have to come up with up to $900 to get my wisdom tooth out. Did I mention it is one tooth? My mom has insurance, it just sucks, who has $900 up front. So I am gambling and hoping that it doesn't cost that much.
Well back to my classmates discussing student loans. One lady in her forties gave me some advice:
-"you should find a rich boyfriend who has good insurance and would pay for schooling for you".

I am thinking, "Maybe if I have a fairy Godmother, I also live in Swift Current, nice try though"

then she offered this suggestion, "Why don't you have a baby, then you get a lot of funding from the government to go to school"

Tempting, but I think I will pass.

I thought it was time for a change.

Hello Everybody,

I thought that I if I told (or write about it would be the better term, I guess)that I would keep myself more accountable. I like chocolate. A lot. But it is not just chocolate. I eat so much junk food. Really, I don't know how I have managed till now. I eat sugar like a five year old and I am going to have diabetes if I don't watch it. Now, I don't think there is anything wrong with eating it. I just eat it excessively. Kathryn always tells me, "Moderation Marian, Moderation!" Just ask kjersti where all her chocolate chips used to disappear to...
So here I am, confessing my binge eating habits. I always say that I will stop eating junk food, but it just doesn't happen. I would hate to know what I would be like if I actually had a serious addiction problem. :|
Okay, so I don't usually make new years resolutions, I usually break them, so why bother to make one...
But the more people I tell, the more people to keep me accountable. Not expressing my resolution could lead to a contributing factor to failure. And since I don't like people to think bad of me, it keeps me more in line. So here it is:
1) I am limiting myself to one chocolate bar a week
2) I will not order a French Vanilla or drink pop
3) I will go to the gym (I will learn how those exercise weight training gadgets work)
4) I will not eat chips or hot tamales

Sincerely, Marian

woot woot...

Last year I wanted to send in my social work application. Due to an unfortunate event, I somehow managed to erase my application, like four hours before I was supposed to be at the airport. I went to press file print, but instead I pressed the back button and POOF all my hard work became obsolete. I remember how I started to cry. I also was not packed and not ready to leave the country because I spent my time trying to get my application done. I remember Brittany, BreAnn, (i think Meghan too)...they came into Brittany's room and started to pack for me while I was a emotional wreck...they were so nice to me.

I remember the day the application was due, January 15th. I remember how I starred at the ceiling in our room that morning in bed. But I remembered that it would get worked out and something would happen.

Technically as a social work qualifying student, I am only allowed to take four classes. With this semester, I will have completed them. So I had to email the Dean at the Faculty of Social Work to get permission to take an extra class. Basically if I was going to get SW347 in swift, I had to do it now (because courses alternate every two years, and I want to be done next year). So I emailed and asked very politely and he gave me permission. Then there is a SW 417 class (Drug and other substance abuse) being offered as well. I thought that I might as well try for that one too, what is the worst that can happen. I know that in the past, other students from swift current have emailed to take two extra courses above the allotted four, usually they were denied. So I wasn't staking a whole lot on being able to take it. But praise be to God, because I got an email the other week granting me permission to take it. So, even if I was in the faculty I would only be taking these social work classes this semester. Isn't it nice to know that there is a God who is watching over us and helping us a long the way.

Westerns This Weekend!

I am so excited. It is also the last volleyball tournament of the year! (Whoo hoo).....
p.s I don't know how to make the poster smaller...

life in where life makes sense....

Do you know that swift current has giant sized black squirrels? No, I am not mistaking them for rats. But they are huge!. I have never seen black squirrels in my life...

I thought that you should know that.

-------------------------------------


I remember a couple summers ago, I had a conversation with someone about emotionally charged jobs. Well, two conversations, both with different people, but both somewhat similar. I don't know what is making me think about this, maybe because I am bored and I am trying to keep awake during this night shift?.

Well, one of the discussions revolved around how some jobs are more emotionally charged then others. What do you think??

I don't think that other jobs are more emotionally charged than others. You might disagree with me, but I am going to state why anyways.

I had this conversation with someone who had a very physically, emotionally, and overall very draining summer job, which I totally applaud that person for doing it. However,this person then started to compare it to my summer job, which was at that time tree planting. This person started to tell me how that they wish that they could just tree plant and not have to think at all. That it is easier not to get emotionally involved.

This type of ignorance really makes me upset.

Again, I don't think that their are jobs that are more emotionally charged, I think it depends on the person and how much they are willing to get to know people.

For example, yes I tree planted, but it doesn't mean I just played with dirt all day. Some of my best conversations with people was out in the bush. I remember one day, my foreman made me go plant burn holes with someone from another crew. I was not looking forward to this what so ever. I knew that the guy I was going to be with also was the camp supplier of illegal extra circular activities. But God really worked in my heart. And I got to know him a bit. After we established that I did not want try pot. He told me how he came out tree planting to dry out from special k. My heart broke and he started to open up about some things and how unhappy he was, we talked for most of the day.

People also saw me at my raw moments as well, where I broke down, sometimes went insane.

I don't understand how you can compare people's moments with each other just because of different job titles. Yes there are jobs that you may be more likely to be in those emotionally charged situations, but I think it is unfair to devalue other people's experiences.

When I tell people that I am in social work, some people reply with telling me how it is going to be a emotionally draining job; sometimes they ask me if I get emotionally involved.

In order to feel empathy for another, you need your emotions. But God has been teaching me on who's foot I am supposed to leave them at. "it is not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit says the Lord". For me to say, well I am going into social work therefore my job requires more of me than you, is terrible. I don't think that way at all.

What if a bank teller discovers that the guy next to him is having a terrible day, thinking about suicide, and decides to intervene?

Know matter where people are, there always going to be sin. Where there is sin, there is problems and pain.

I hope that makes sense.

word of God speak, will you flow down like rain, washing my eyes to see, your majesty...

They are all just so dang cute!





She got distracted when I said her name...




I find this funny...

Wrinkles....

I turned 25 this weekend. It was pretty fun...I have wrinkles. I know I shouldn't be too worried (or else I will get more wrinkles)...but seriously? I feel like my face is that of a prepubescent grandmother..on one hand...I still break out...on the other....I am getting wrinkles...is there no justice?

One the other note:
I had a pretty sweet birthday. BreAnn came up to visit and stay the night on friday. She also somehow managed to persuade me into not opening my present...which is a difficult feat in itself...[i am really not patient when it comes to knowing that I have a gift and not knowing what it is]. The present did remain a secret for most of the night, until she blurted out, " so what do you think your pajamas are"...which I then got a bright look of victory on my face and BreAnn had horrified look to her face. I replied "pajamas?".

Saturday another friend came up to the city. We went motobiking down the trans-canada for my first time...it was really hot out...and windy...so windy the over sized jacket puffed up like a ballon, in which i thought i was going to sail right off the bike...

Sunday we had a multipurpose party... Another friend of mine turned 25 on the same day...and another friend was heading off to europe...and it was a welcome to swift current party as well. I had lots of yummy things to eat...things which I know that would make my volleyball coach upset...Meh! (i love dq cake!)

Peace out!

I feel like a certain frenzy has taken over....everybody is getting married! But it is a good frenzy; it's comforting to know that my friends have awesome guys or else it may feel different about it.

I went home to suzy's wedding shower. It was nice. [see above pictures]. Frontier holds the best wedding showers because they give an abundance of gifts. Sometimes I struggle with the urge to get married just so I can have a wedding shower ;)

When I was sitting down and observing the head table, it made my heart happy just to see how suzy was so excited and so in love!

job or no job?
I realized that I both hate having no time and having lots of time on my hands. When I was at work, I always thought of a million things I could be doing if I was not at work. Now that I am unemployed, I wish I was working, making an income and not having to worry that much about it. I think that I secretly love to be over committed too many things. I had a job interview this morning. It was slightly awkward, only because I had just woke up, it was only 8 am [I don't think straight when I first wake up and secondly who freaking calls at 8am for a job interview!]. Taking the position would mean that I am working full time. I like to think of myself having a high threshold for stress, I know that I could do it...but maybe I just have a superwoman complex that needs to be readjusted...

I am also getting sick of school and would like to be in a profession. I will be 25 years old next week, maybe I should be comparing myself to my friends, but they are all in the career stage of life...and I am still the poor student...ah! So I have decided to take more classes...I think that God wants me to be done too, since He's been opening up the doors.

Lastly, I am playing volleyball again. I don't mind that it consumes my life, I think that it helps with my mental stability. I think that this year is going to be different. I am slightly out of shape so to remedy this decided to join a gym and go on a modified eating plan.

I was in the drug store the other day and I have never bought vitamins before. Now I have read somewhere that omega 3 is good for you, then I thought that I should by some calcium pills [i like strong bones] and lastly I bought some acidophilus for the tummy.

Now I don't really swallow pills that well. Even taking the gel Advil I need lots of water. So when I took out the calcium ones I could not believe the size of them. They look like large animal pills, maybe for a horse. I like chewables, i should of just got Flinstones. But being an adult now, I thought that old enough that I should be able to just take the whole one. So I put it into my mouth...five minutes of gaging and trying to convince myself to swallow...it started to dissolve...
I cut it in half now...but I still have some troubles...but I figured out a technique.

home.

I have been home for a week now. I don't know how to start to tell about life in the last few months. I miss my babies. I see white children and I think they are funny looking. I miss singing twinkle twinkle little star. When I hear a child cry, it's weird that I don't have to go over to settle it down. I was in a department store, I saw some baby clothes, I looked at them, thinking about who it would look cute on.

But as much as i did love it there. i am glad to be home. If you want a more in-depth story, you just have to phone, and i would gladly go out for coffee with whomever wants to go through 1900 pictures (yeah, I know).

Sometime i will post some pictures of the adventures in cape town.

i have nine minutes

ok, so i am alive and loving cape town. I climbed table mountain today. i went with some guys and a gal from germany. they were in shape. i am just getting over a bad chest cold. i thought that i was going to die on the way up the steep vertical. who needs cable cars, right? definitely took one down.
on the plane ride down to cape town, my friend and i sat next to this guy, who when he found out we were working at an orphanage gave us these free tickets. it ends up that these v.i.p passes are worth 800 rand. so we are going to go and eat food from the top 18 best cooks in the world. yes, in the world.
so that's exciting.
well, i am going to go and enjoy the plus 35 weather.

Ezekiel 36:26

i find it funny that whenever I am away from the computer, I always think of things that i want to write about. but when i am here, my mind goes blank.
so much has happened in the last month and a bit. It took me a month to get used to everything here; the kids, the routine, the cement walls surrounding the farm...
i will just talk about some of my highlights from the this past month..
1) is I went into soweto with one of ladies who works at tlc. she showed us her home and the surrounding soweto area. I did get to see nelson mendala house, the hector piterson museum, and of course just the driving around soweto was interesting in itself. But martha took us to this very traditional resturant..basically you buy meat, then go around the back, put it on a braai ( which was a barol (sp?) cut in half with a grill on top). the surroundings was interesting, which it's been a couple of weeks since i ate there and I have not lost weight since then ;) but it was very good...
2) I went to the hospital on my day off to see my favorite baby. he had jaundis and needed to be under a light for a week. I also got to go see another baby who just finished having a tumor removed from his head...
3) We had a volunteer weeked couple of weeks ago. Joanna and pippa shared about where some of the babies came from and how the ended up at tlc. Also i got to see a rhino and girafes.
4) Being able to hold Rowan for his baptism
There is probably more highlights that I am just not thinking of right now. I am still continually being stretched. Coming here i felt very selfish in even coming to work at tlc. When I was leaving, people would say to me, that I was doing such a good cause. But I am struggling with the balance of feeling selfish for me to be here. I know that I want to help out and God is using me here and I know that their was purpose. But children need stability and to be able to attach to somebody and build that trust. Sure some get use to having the high turn over of volunteers, but, they need people that will be willing to commit to them for years. Not all the children get adopted out here. do you ever notice when someone goes overseas, there is a big hype about it, like for some reason there is more value in doing some great cause. I think that people do great causes when the go to work, or when they go to school, or just living their lives following what God is telling them. It is in the little things; that is something to be commended for. I was just thinking of in Corinthians when paul is talking about spiritual gifts...he talks about the gifts of prophecy and tongues, and that those are gifts to desire. (and when i think of it, maybe it is just me, but we put a heirarchy to what things are greater then others?) but I like when Paul says that he would rather speak five intelligable words to instruct others than ten thousand words in a tongue... or I like the parable of the lost sheep...there is merit in small things meaningful things
Tlc has become something more for me. I am not just working with orphans , but I am working with God's little children, people who he has specifically created and has a purpose for. I am a surrogate mom for this short brief moment, they probably wont remember me when they are older. I am learning what it means to be a living sacrafice, loving the lord with all my heart, mind, and soul. But honestly, I can't say that I am fully there yet, i see it though. I know there is cost involved, am I at the point of paying it? I am not sure yet. I am not a beacon of selflessness or love, but I am thankful for the grace of God and the oppertunities, like working at tlc to strectch me in those places.

Just a quick one

it's been a little over two weeks since bre and I arrived in south africa. So far, most of life has been consisting of tackling the never ending piles of dishes and bottles, changing dirty nappies, playing, laughing, sometimes getting fustrated, feeding....
but TLC is going well. We are on a farm outside of johannesburg, and from what I can tell, somewhere south of soweto. I actually have no clue where I am, besides knowing that I am inside a brick wall. I feel kind of like I am in prison..( i guess I will explain more when I have the time.)
As for what God is trying to teach me? it's definitly about love. but I will go into that another time as well.
but I am having fun meeting new people from all over the world. a couple of days ago we celebrated austrailian day for the austrailian.
well, i should go...it's raining again...and the power might go off..i still have things i want to get done!
i will update more indepth....

p.s I am getting a sandal tan!

I thought that I should take this time to update, since I am not too sure if I will have internet access when I get to Jo-berg. I guess the phone lines go down quite frequently there because people steal the wire in the phone lines to make jewellery. So chances are I wont be on facebook all to much in the next couple of months. Which is a good thing. When I tree planted I could be out in the middle of nowhere and still access internet. I am curious though, I wonder the less I use internet, the less I will probably feel the need to stay connected.

We fly out tomorrow morning at 6:30, which means that we have to be at the airport bright and early in the morning. The chances of me sleeping tonight are next to none, I can never sleep when I have stuff rolling around in my brain. But I will make sure that we go to the airport early. Last time I flew out of Saskatoon, I thought, "it's saskatoon, like there is going to be a line up". Then I found out that the saskatoon airport is very busy in the mornings, and I was freaking out that I was going to miss my plane to vancouver as I looked at the massive line up that extended to the check in desks.

I don't know what else to say.

Basically all I am thinking about is...

I AM GOING TO AFRICA!!!!

I thought that I would be a little more nervous, but I am not.

Pray for us!

you're a lifesatellite

Sometimes I don't look at my text messages before I send them.

Well, I am officially done school for this year. It's an indiscribable feeling right now...I still feel stressed, thinking that there is something I have to do, like I should be doing something right now, but I don't...Freeing. I feel so free right now, no papers, no finals, no assignments, no volleyball practice, no presentations. But yet, still stressed or paranoid or..i dunno...something. I think it will go away in time, as soon as start to get out of routine.

Swift Current has treated me well. I worked at a daycare here in town. Today was my second last day and I think I am going to be sad to leave. Today I flushed a two foot crap that was seriously the width of a can of pop down the toilet. I actually had to go outside, find a stick, and disect it in order for it to go down the toilet. This came out of a three year old girl who was sitting on the can balling. (i think i would be too, if that came out of me)

This weekend I get to go up to work at the crisis nursery. Being in saskatoon this weekend made me realize how much I miss the city. My friends, the organizations that I worked with, going for coffee with people. But, i will see where the road goes, when it's the right time.

After this weekend, I am heading home again for Christmas for a couple of days. I am not too sure how I feel about this. Last year I worked through the holidays. My mom invited my dad for dinner. I think i could take up Cassidy's invitation to go over to her house for supper, but I think it's time to stir up the hen house. This could get interesting. Then it's back up to saskatoon for a wedding, then back down again for kjersti's wedding, then back up to saskatoon.

I am racking up the kilometers on mustache.

Anways back to Christmas. I am looking forward to it, well and the fact that I will actually be home for it this year, despite certain circumstances I don't want to be around, I will find joy in it, even if it turns into world war three, like Christmases (is that a word?) in the past have. Christmas has never been a really joyous time for me, to be honest. In my youth I would look around to everybody's normal christmas, family gathering, warm houses, baking, the smell of cinnamon, and see normality. Then I hated Christmas because then I got this pious christian attitude about consumerism and how so many forgot the Christ in Christmas. Society spends so much money on things that were not eternal; and then go to church, forgetting about the people who are in need. I am not so much the grinch anymore when it comes to it. Firstly, when you love somebody, it's a normal thing to give a gift to that person. Secondly, the statistic for Canadians who call themselves a Christian is 80%. Is that why other countries are sending missionaries to our country? True Christmas is something to be celebrated, not to forget the orphans and widows, and I would argue that there is a percentage in that 80% who are doing it, I look up to them. Lastly, by focusing on the negative is taking away my joy for Christmas, that a gift was born for me, freely for me to take. So in a sense it was a false guise of thinking that I was on the right path, but I just flew from one side of the pendulm to another. So, back to the symballism of giving a free gift to another, it does show this love, but to also extend love to our brother and sisters in need. But even when I write this I sit convicted, because I know that I still have a lot of work left in my life in this area. But I know that God has worked in me to have a willing heart to learn and push, that someday my Potter will make a peice of art out of me.

I think this is the most I have blogged consistantly in awhile. I should be studying for religous studies, but as per usual, I procrastinate. Like always.
Meh.
So, I was thinking how ironic is was for me to go to Camrose this weekend. It is kind of wierd going back to a place that you haven't seen in awhile. When I drove past mirror lake, a flood gate of memories came flooding in. I was thinking of bible school, friends I made at bible school. A lot has changed over the years. I look back at clbi as my dark years. Wierd, though, because I was a bible school, learning about God, surrounded by other students my age. To be honest, I was really depressed during my time there. Looking back at my old journals from Bible school makes me laugh, and I wonder how I could of been in that mind frame, to think that of myself.
God did a lot of work in my heart. I think that I had supressed a lot in my life, and it finally surfaced when I got confronted with it. God started to reveal himself to me. God moved in me like a frieght train.
But now I think I am at another changing point in my life.
Usually, I have a plan, something, that I can control, a security net. All I know is that I am heading off soon. In April I have no clue what I am going to be doing, no clue where I am going to be, no clue about anything. It is kinda scary thinking about it especially if you have student loans.
But I am letting go of it. as with other things in my life I cannot control.


I was in Camrose for the western canadian volleyball championships. I remember when i was at clbi watching the augustana vikings. i remember thinking about how good they where and how I would never be able to make it on a team. This weekend I got to play them, they are not as scarey as i thought. Funny how you put things on pedestals making them so unattainable.
I wasn't sure if I would even make it on the college team here. But I decided to try anyways, that way I could see my sister on the weekends. For someone who hasn't played in six years, I felt honored to get a league all star award although i felt that I didn't deserve it. Then at westerns this weekend I got an all star award too.
I think I am eating my humble pie.

I don't know where I was going with that. I just think it is all ironic.

on the ipod

what can i do with my obsession?
with the things i can't see
is there madness to my being?
is it wind that blows the trees?
sometimes you further than the moon
sometimes you are closer than my own skin
and you surround me like a winter fog
you've come and burn me with a kiss
and my heart burns for you
and my heart burns

and i am so flithy with my sin
i carry pride like a disease
you know that i am stubborn God
and I am longing to be close
you burn me deep into the unknown
and i feel lonely with out hope
i feel desperate without vision
you wrap around me like the winter cold
you come and free me like a bird
and my heart burns for you
and my heart burns for you

In psalm 63 it says, "O God you are my God; I earnestly search for you. My soul thrists for you; my whole body longs for you in this parched and weary land where this is no water"

I don't know what is wrong with me lately. On tuesday, I locked my keys in my car...if there is a will, there is a way... and on saturday morning I found that I had put my keys in the wash, because I forgot to take them out. And now, I CAN'T FIND THEM, it is driving ME (haha..not my) nuts....I just tore apart my room, there is clothes everywhere...I have ran through all three levels of the house, still can't find them...I can't even find my spare key....
klajsdflkajsdlfkjasdlkfja'ldfja'lksjdfalksjdf'laksjdf'lkasjdflkajsdflkajsdlkfjaslekjf
i feel better now.

November eh?

I have had lots to talk about, or blog about, but I have not really had any ambition to sit down and write it out. For the most part volleyball has been taking over my life. I have practice on mondays, games on tuesday, (last week I had battle of the southwest on wednesday), practice on thrusday, and then tournaments on friday and saturday, and if we don't then I have another practice on Sunday. I like volleyball a lot, which is why I don't mind giving up the time to do it. But lately I know that I have been losing focus on my devotional life. My first thoughts was: blame my volleyball schedule, or work, or school. But it really isn't any of it. I have not been diligently trying to focus time on it. I don't know why. But last night I went over to friends house, and we sat for two hours and started a bible study on 1 Corinthians. And that's where my focus needs to be. Atleast I still have one and a half months left here.