you're a lifesatellite

Sometimes I don't look at my text messages before I send them.

Well, I am officially done school for this year. It's an indiscribable feeling right now...I still feel stressed, thinking that there is something I have to do, like I should be doing something right now, but I don't...Freeing. I feel so free right now, no papers, no finals, no assignments, no volleyball practice, no presentations. But yet, still stressed or paranoid or..i dunno...something. I think it will go away in time, as soon as start to get out of routine.

Swift Current has treated me well. I worked at a daycare here in town. Today was my second last day and I think I am going to be sad to leave. Today I flushed a two foot crap that was seriously the width of a can of pop down the toilet. I actually had to go outside, find a stick, and disect it in order for it to go down the toilet. This came out of a three year old girl who was sitting on the can balling. (i think i would be too, if that came out of me)

This weekend I get to go up to work at the crisis nursery. Being in saskatoon this weekend made me realize how much I miss the city. My friends, the organizations that I worked with, going for coffee with people. But, i will see where the road goes, when it's the right time.

After this weekend, I am heading home again for Christmas for a couple of days. I am not too sure how I feel about this. Last year I worked through the holidays. My mom invited my dad for dinner. I think i could take up Cassidy's invitation to go over to her house for supper, but I think it's time to stir up the hen house. This could get interesting. Then it's back up to saskatoon for a wedding, then back down again for kjersti's wedding, then back up to saskatoon.

I am racking up the kilometers on mustache.

Anways back to Christmas. I am looking forward to it, well and the fact that I will actually be home for it this year, despite certain circumstances I don't want to be around, I will find joy in it, even if it turns into world war three, like Christmases (is that a word?) in the past have. Christmas has never been a really joyous time for me, to be honest. In my youth I would look around to everybody's normal christmas, family gathering, warm houses, baking, the smell of cinnamon, and see normality. Then I hated Christmas because then I got this pious christian attitude about consumerism and how so many forgot the Christ in Christmas. Society spends so much money on things that were not eternal; and then go to church, forgetting about the people who are in need. I am not so much the grinch anymore when it comes to it. Firstly, when you love somebody, it's a normal thing to give a gift to that person. Secondly, the statistic for Canadians who call themselves a Christian is 80%. Is that why other countries are sending missionaries to our country? True Christmas is something to be celebrated, not to forget the orphans and widows, and I would argue that there is a percentage in that 80% who are doing it, I look up to them. Lastly, by focusing on the negative is taking away my joy for Christmas, that a gift was born for me, freely for me to take. So in a sense it was a false guise of thinking that I was on the right path, but I just flew from one side of the pendulm to another. So, back to the symballism of giving a free gift to another, it does show this love, but to also extend love to our brother and sisters in need. But even when I write this I sit convicted, because I know that I still have a lot of work left in my life in this area. But I know that God has worked in me to have a willing heart to learn and push, that someday my Potter will make a peice of art out of me.

I think this is the most I have blogged consistantly in awhile. I should be studying for religous studies, but as per usual, I procrastinate. Like always.
Meh.
So, I was thinking how ironic is was for me to go to Camrose this weekend. It is kind of wierd going back to a place that you haven't seen in awhile. When I drove past mirror lake, a flood gate of memories came flooding in. I was thinking of bible school, friends I made at bible school. A lot has changed over the years. I look back at clbi as my dark years. Wierd, though, because I was a bible school, learning about God, surrounded by other students my age. To be honest, I was really depressed during my time there. Looking back at my old journals from Bible school makes me laugh, and I wonder how I could of been in that mind frame, to think that of myself.
God did a lot of work in my heart. I think that I had supressed a lot in my life, and it finally surfaced when I got confronted with it. God started to reveal himself to me. God moved in me like a frieght train.
But now I think I am at another changing point in my life.
Usually, I have a plan, something, that I can control, a security net. All I know is that I am heading off soon. In April I have no clue what I am going to be doing, no clue where I am going to be, no clue about anything. It is kinda scary thinking about it especially if you have student loans.
But I am letting go of it. as with other things in my life I cannot control.


I was in Camrose for the western canadian volleyball championships. I remember when i was at clbi watching the augustana vikings. i remember thinking about how good they where and how I would never be able to make it on a team. This weekend I got to play them, they are not as scarey as i thought. Funny how you put things on pedestals making them so unattainable.
I wasn't sure if I would even make it on the college team here. But I decided to try anyways, that way I could see my sister on the weekends. For someone who hasn't played in six years, I felt honored to get a league all star award although i felt that I didn't deserve it. Then at westerns this weekend I got an all star award too.
I think I am eating my humble pie.

I don't know where I was going with that. I just think it is all ironic.

on the ipod

what can i do with my obsession?
with the things i can't see
is there madness to my being?
is it wind that blows the trees?
sometimes you further than the moon
sometimes you are closer than my own skin
and you surround me like a winter fog
you've come and burn me with a kiss
and my heart burns for you
and my heart burns

and i am so flithy with my sin
i carry pride like a disease
you know that i am stubborn God
and I am longing to be close
you burn me deep into the unknown
and i feel lonely with out hope
i feel desperate without vision
you wrap around me like the winter cold
you come and free me like a bird
and my heart burns for you
and my heart burns for you

In psalm 63 it says, "O God you are my God; I earnestly search for you. My soul thrists for you; my whole body longs for you in this parched and weary land where this is no water"

I don't know what is wrong with me lately. On tuesday, I locked my keys in my car...if there is a will, there is a way... and on saturday morning I found that I had put my keys in the wash, because I forgot to take them out. And now, I CAN'T FIND THEM, it is driving ME (haha..not my) nuts....I just tore apart my room, there is clothes everywhere...I have ran through all three levels of the house, still can't find them...I can't even find my spare key....
klajsdflkajsdlfkjasdlkfja'ldfja'lksjdfalksjdf'laksjdf'lkasjdflkajsdflkajsdlkfjaslekjf
i feel better now.

November eh?

I have had lots to talk about, or blog about, but I have not really had any ambition to sit down and write it out. For the most part volleyball has been taking over my life. I have practice on mondays, games on tuesday, (last week I had battle of the southwest on wednesday), practice on thrusday, and then tournaments on friday and saturday, and if we don't then I have another practice on Sunday. I like volleyball a lot, which is why I don't mind giving up the time to do it. But lately I know that I have been losing focus on my devotional life. My first thoughts was: blame my volleyball schedule, or work, or school. But it really isn't any of it. I have not been diligently trying to focus time on it. I don't know why. But last night I went over to friends house, and we sat for two hours and started a bible study on 1 Corinthians. And that's where my focus needs to be. Atleast I still have one and a half months left here.

Thanksgiving

This week in religious studies...

I had some extra credits that I needed to fill this year so I decided to take a religious studies class. So far, I am enjoying learning about the different world religions. This past week we learned about Hinduism. Hinduism kinda intrigues me and made me explore it, comparing it to what I believe in. So here is what i think. Hinduism is not a static religion, and it doesn't exclude other religious like buddhism or even christianity. It's a polytheistic represented by Brahma, Saktas, Durga, Kali, Siva, Lingams, Parvati, Ganesh, Vishnu, Krishna, Lakshmi, and Rama. Because it is such an accomidating religion it means that there are many ways of coming to the ultimate, or a state of nirvana (beyond the metaphysical(i should clarify this that nirvana is a buddhist term, hinduists try to get out of the cycle of karma , and the best word that i could think of to describe it was nirvana, although the technical name for it is moksha). I have been thinking a lot about the postmoderism world that we live in. The basic premisises of postmoderism is that nothing is absolute, that what you think goes, it is accomodating. In the first class that we had, we explored questions of what is religion. I thought that it was interesting how many people answered the question with the same underlying message: that living a good life, God (or who ever you believed in) you would go to heaven. Most people who were answering said that they had Catholic roots. I would like to know where it says in scripture that " by living a happy life, try to be good, and don't worry about what you really believe in, as long as you think that there is a God, that's good enough". I look at our more conservative churches and I see that same attitude of postmoderism seeping through. Thomas Jefferson tried to rewrite the bible taking out all the miracles in the new testiment. Why does the power of God have to be dumbed down?. I have been reading through Acts and examining the life of the early believers. A word that jumps out to me is devoted. What does it mean to be devoted to something? It means that there lives were centered around to the thing they hold dear. In acts 3:42 it states that "they devoted themselves to the apostles teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread, and to prayer". How far does our devotion go in the church? Is church a ritual and emptied of all power? And what about scripture? When do we as a church exchange the authority of man over the authority of the bible? They early believers lived a radical life, because they didn't live on diet christainity. Our post modern church is making everything comfortable, but what about challenging? And if we were living a radical life, people of this world wouldn't understand the foolishness, "for it is the message of the cross that is foolishness to those who are perishing" (corinthians 1:18) And I wonder if people of this world see a differentiating line. I have been thinking about my own life, and letting myself digest it, because I know that I have allowed things to seep into my life. But when I was studying hinduism, I wondered how it was so different from some of the christianity being preached in north america. Some churches have adopted that "everything goes" mentality and that everybody has their own pathway to God; but where is Jesus?

Little boys and bugs

I was sitting outside when little Jayden came up to me. I asked him, " what do you have in your hand?" He then said, " I have a present for you" (since it's my birthday). I opened up my hand and recieved a june bug, which he named goldie. A few minutes later, he came back, wanting me to give me another present. So I held out my hand and he gave me a ladybug named Josie. We were just about to head in for snack, when Jayden came up yet again to give me a present. Being conditioned to the situation, I held out my hand, only to recieve a spider. I may have yelped, and I am sure I did a funny dance waving my hand in the air. I have never got a spider for a present before!

Momma mia, here we go again, my, my how can i resist you...

Well, I spent my first weekend in swift current! It definity was not boring! Friday, I had a date, with Kathryn (the lady that I am living with). We went and saw Momma Mia, and being the die hard abba fan that I am, it was awesome, although many may have a different opinion than me. Anywho, Saturday, I went shopping with my dear little sister and elsa (a friend from millar). Which, I bought a laser printer (ooohh...aahhh) yes, be in awe, because it can fire out those sheets in a blink of an eye (no exaggeration!). Then I headed over to the college to work at the canteen for the rider party. And when I was told about this rider party, I invisioned a projector and a decent sized white screen, what you would see in churches for worship. As I am walking in, I am wondering why is there a 3000 watt generator blowing up this..."thing-a-ma-bob"? ...also I passed it off, thinking it was one of those play pens for little kids. It definitly turned into a 26 feet high movie screen, seriously, do we really need to see spandex bums that big?
Well, after the rider party, I went home, feeling tired, and I went to bed, only to wake up at 7 am. Which on one hand is nice because for the first time in a long time I may have a normal sleep schedule because I dont' have to work wierd hours...YAY! But I wanted to sleep! because I like sleep! And I need sleep!...i finally gave in and got up and enjoyed the morning sunlight that was filling my room. After I showered I headed off to millar and went to church with pat and elsa. My mom also came up to drop off some stuff for her. Patricia wanted to show mom her intern office, so we headed down there, only to get inscripted to moving her stuff around. During this time, Patricia and I took one of her desks out to another room that was down the hallway. As we put the desk down we could hear, "wee...weee...weee". Curious, Patricia and I walked back to her office, finding out that the source of the "wee's" where coming from my mom spinning around and around in a computer chair. My stomach muscles hurt from laughing.
Coming back home wasn't too adventurous, I only passed a cop going 125Km/h, the cop didn't even pull me over...I had to make it back for volleyball practice...
well, I hope you all had a good weekend!

Ok, seriously, I am just rusty

Today I went to up kill the ball (aka: going up for an attack/spiking the ball). I ran...left, right, together up! Except, I was focusing so hard on my timing and steps that I missed the ball. It hit me on top of my head. Yes, I made the volleyball team.

"let this old life crumble..let it fade...let this new life offer me your saving grace"

About eight months ago, my Savior woke me up in the dead of the night. It wasn't an audible voice, but a pounding in my chest and I knew that I had to pray. I had been experiencing a restlessness in my spirit. God revealed to me what was causing this restlessness, because I know how God can use me, that he has called me for something more, and I am not there yet. I was beginning to be too comfortable with my life in Saskatoon. Not that God wasn't using me for His glory during everyday life, during work at the nursery, or at Emanuel, or with Chantel, or whatever I may have been doing...
But you see, I want to passionately follow my Saviour, and in order to do that I need to step out of the boat and walk on that water. A couple months later, things started to fall in place. Which has brought me to Swift Current. I get a lot of questions asking me why I would move here, really I don't know myself; except God opened that door and I feel peace about being here; that stefan's mom graciously opened her house up to me, that the last credit I need in order to apply into social work is being offered first semester...it's really cool how that all worked out because I planned on coming down here way before I knew about course offerings, or even a place to live (actually I didn't even know where I was living until a couple of weeks ago). I don't know how long I will stay in Swift Current, I don't even know what I am going to be doing when I get back from Africa.
Yes, I am going to Africa. I am really excited about going a little nervous, but it is just another step and He is saying "trust me". I am even more excited that my friend BreAnn is coming with me for the first month. We will be flying on the 10th of January from Saskatoon, then going to Minneapolis, then over to Amsterdam, then finally to Johannesburg. We will be working with the Love of Christ family, an orphanage based just outside of Jo-berg. I got my immunization a couple weeks ago, it's crazy: polio (booster), Typhoid, diphtheria, Tetanus, Hep A...and I still need to get a tuberculosis test and they are telling me that I should get my mumps booster, but I don't know about that one :|
But God is taking me on a faith journey. I don't want to live a life of complacency, and in order for that not to happen, I need to obey.
Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile. I will try to keep it up...for you sarah!

I don't know how many times in a day i fall, but i usually shout some wierd noise as i go down. but one time last year, we were planting a block that was logged 10 years ago. the vegetation grew up, berries filled that landscape...and so did the bushes. well, i was planting down this slope, i saw the checker coming towards me, and somehow i tripped on a log, as i am falling, by this time in the season "the claw" had set in( basically your hand is molded to your shovel and you can't just let go), so i tried to brace myself but the vegetation was soo thick that my shovel got caught in to the bush..so did my other hand. then with both hands stuck in the bushes, my very full and heavy bags continued to hurl me to the ground towards another log that was conveniently placed to catch my chin. it hurt, but it was funny and i started to laugh hysterically, the checker thought i was nuts.
happy Canada Day....
i ate steak...

princess snacks

i know that God called me to be here, to be out in the wilderness, to be with the community of friends, to be learning, to be growing. sometimes i still doubt, sometimes, i would like to be at home, with familiarity, to be able to be there for the people that i care about. and i wonder, what the heck am i doing here. i find that tree planting is a very simple job. i kinda went from two extremes: one being the nursery, which was highly emotional, and interpersonal, to one that is highly physical that requires very little thinking. but i find that if you get into a rut of negative thinking, your thoughts could go down into a dark pit. i don't want to sound like i hate my life here, because i don't, but somedays, i just have a bad day. knowing that i am in the middle of the bush, feeling useless sometimes. i wonder what Jesus all did when he was in the wilderness; emersing himself with prayer, fasting, being tempted by satan.
i don't want to miss out on what God is teaching me being here in the bush. soon, i will be home. if you have been praying for me out here, i ask for prayer that i could continue to be focused with where i am. there is a lot of really cool people out here, i am looking foward to spending the next month with them.
right now, i am in grande prairie, spending sometime with sarah. we ended up having two days off, which made it nice. she just got her wisdom teeth out. (ouch!). she has been eating a lot of ice cream, and well, because we should share in eachothers sufferings, i too then felt that it was my duty to eat a lot of ice cream as well.
i love being around people who are honest.
i am going to write out a devotion that i read a while a go. it is from oswald chamber's, my utmost for his highest. the first one is called gracious uncertanity (it was the april 29th reading). the scripture verses are from 1 john 3:2.
" our natural inclination is to be so precise-trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next-that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. we think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of a spiritual life. the nature of a spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. consequently we do not put downroots. our common sense says, 'well what if i were in that circumstance?' we cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been. certainty is the mark of the commonsense life-gracious uncertainy is the mark of the spiritual life. to be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. this is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expecation. we are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, he begings to fill our lives with surprizes. when we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. that is not believing God-it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said,' ...unless you...become as little children..." (matthew 18:3). the spiritual life is the life of a child. we are notuncertain of God, but just uncertain of what he is going to do next. if our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. but when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. jesus said, '...believe also in me'. leave everything to himand it will be gloriouslyu and graciously uncertain how He will come in-but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him."
something else that i have been thinking about is: a lot of the times we are challenged: challenged by devotions, by a speaker, by friends, by a pastor, BY THE BIBLE, but am i changed? are you changed?
i am going to go to bed now. usually i am sleeping by 8:30, and it is now one thirty. May the peace of Christ be upon you. I am praying for you guys.

sun screen is a must

hello friends!
prince george is beautiful. I think the one thing i do appreciate about tree planting (besides the money :) ) is the beauty of creation that i am immersed in. Planting has been going well so far. As I expected, I am very sore and tired, and even if i did do some condition training before i came out here, i still think that i would be very sore. I just finished my second week of planting, which is crazy to think that three weeks have past since I first got here. I came a little early this year, I booked a flight and then the start date got pushed back. but the first week that I came out here, a group of us went to Ness Lake Bible camp to help out, which mostly consisted of hauling logs, cleaning, and tearing down outhouses (speaking of which make sure when you are using a mallet and you are winding up to swing, make sure you hit your target and not your knee....because it really hurts when you hit your knee cap with a mallet ;). back to the bible camp...so this bible camp started out really small, with canvas tents, and then more and more kids wanted to come to camp, and they have just been expanding since then, totally relying on God to provide for them...and they took that leap of faith, and God has been giving them more than what they ever dreamed of! Sometime I will but pictures on facebook.
Expectations....if you have been around me this year, I have been talking a lot about it, it's what God's been revealing to me this year. Sometimes I have the view of life like the game of life....you chose wheather or not you want to go to school, what career you want, getting married, buying a house, collecting those good deed life tiles. Our society values the future so much...it's sort of backwards. I have future goals, i don't think that it is bad, but I don't want to be boxed in by those expectations. Some scipture that I have been meditating on...(I don't actually have my bible on hand so its just coming from memory) is after Jesus was crucified, and the disciples where standing around, and Jesus came up to them. The disciples didn't recognize Him...I find it so interesting because Jesus did tell them that he would rise from the grave. also, that the disciples had seen him crucified..they were expecting Him to be dead, and the disciples lives where radically changed... Jesus calls us for so much more, and once i let go and surrender I know that God will use me to do so much more than I could ever imagine. I think that it is something that I shouldn't look forward to, but it is something that I should be living in the present for. That each day God presents something unique, an oppertunity...
The camp that I am in is full of bible school students. It's cool to walk into the weather haven (giant eating tent) and see a group of guys around the table with there bibles open. We also have bush church on hump day (half way point of the week), which is cool to see how God has brought each and everyone of us to this camp together, both unbelievers and belivers.

my young jedi apprentice

So this week/last week has been a whirlwind. My friend suzy came up and visited me, funn fun. last weekend I headed to millar for my sisters grad. Which was awesome to see how God has been working in her life, I feel like she is surpassing me....oh young patawan...
anywho, my mom came up as well, which she proformed a fashion show for me, and she was wearing jewerly (which kind surprized me (if you know my mom, you would know why this would shock me so) but a good surprize). afterwards I headed home, picked up my planting gear, which was in the same spot that I left it back in august....
On monday i went up to shaunavon to my friends birthday party, I am really gald that i was able to make it!!! I really look up to all the girls that were there, they are all so amazing and God has totally blessed me to have them as friends. Then I headed back to saskatoon. Another friend Cassidy came up yesterday, so I have been busy hanging out with her, she is like a sister to me, so I am glad to be able tosee her before I head off to the blue yonder.
Anywho, I am looking forward to finishing school on saturday, doing some shopping, seeing breann and sarah, and going to the phantom of the opera this weekend!!!!
p.s i head off in 7 days!!!!

Romance novels and the old man

During the day at the nursery, many people call to ask if we take donations. An older guy phoned in and asked if we "take books?". And I said, assuming that they were childrens books said, "yes we do take books". A little while later the guy who had phoned in rang the door bell. He was about seventy, and he was shaking trying to hold up the massive tubaware container. He was really exicted that he got to donate these books and that they were not going to go to waste. Then he asked me if he could keep the tubaware container. I of course said yes, meanwhile thinking about the future work this is going to cause for me. As he took off the tubaware container's lid I saw that it full of harlequin romance novels. The nursery really doesn't need harlequin romance novels, but thinking, "ok, it's only one tubaware container, I can just put the books in the garage for the food bank". After he finished dumping the books, and by books, I mean about 100 of them. He said, "I have more in the car!". and I said, "oh, wow" with a double meaning. So he came back from the car dumping the books on the floor, while i tried to make some organized pile of it, and also trying to keep my eye on the two little tikes who like to get into trouble. As I am still in the hallway he comes back with yet another tubaware container which was of course filled with these romance novels. As he finished he said "that he was super happy that he found some place to drop off the books", and I didn't have the heart to tell him that we don't use these types of books, so I thanked him. I thought it was funny that a 70 year old would have all these romance novels; but he probably didn't even know what they were and I don't think he realized that the crisis nursery was a place for children. And because I was by myself that day, I didn't have time to get the books out of the hallway and into the garage, so everybody who dropped off childrens stuff got to see the massive pile of harlequin novels.

Go now, you are forgiven!

I was talking to a friend on msn the other day, and he told me to listen to Dispatch, "General". I have listened to that song, well, I am listening to it now, but I have listened to it everyday.

Man, I can't believe how fast this year went by. I can't believe that I only have two days of classes. I feel again that I am closing another chapter on my life and moving forward to something new. It kinda seems to be the theme of my life, probably why i write about it so often.

God's been placing some ideas on my heart for next year which I will post about sometime in the near future!. I am excited about it and I am praying that if it is God's will, it will get worked out! One thing that I really don't like about tree planting is that I am way from everything going on, away from being able to organize life. In some respects it is nice to have the chance to get away from everything, but when you are applying to different colleges and ..... it makes it hard. So i am feeling a little aprehensive about all the things that I need to get done in the next 25 days. It feels like may, june and july are a vortex in time and I go into a black hole...

But I have been thinking about prayer a lot lately. I have been thinking on how much my prayer life sucks, to be brutally honest. When I think about the importance of prayer and compare it to my measly efforts, my efforts feel.... Sometimes I go into prayer with such a defeatest attitude. In James it says that when you pray you must really believe and not doubt. And a double minded man should not think that he will reicieve anything from the Lord-he is unstable in all he does. It is almost like when I pray I have a fail safe, "well, lord if it is not your will then....". Maybe because I am scared to pray about something with authority and have God not answer me in the way that I want to be answered. It's like prayer is pandora's box, and I have the keys, but I am too scared to open that power.

The amazing thing though, God has answered many of my prayers, and I have seen Him answer the prayers of others. I have seen Hand work in things I have not even prayed about this year.

But there is still one thing lingering in the back of my mind. I have prayed many times for the salvation of my mom, brother, and... my dad. Everytime I go home, it's the same thing, and I start to blame myself: am I not righteous? what sin(s) are harboring in my heart? I feel like such a failure and gives me enough of a seed in my heart to be scared to pray with that authority.

Scales have been falling off my eyes.

"what other nation is so great as to have their gods near them the way the Lord our God is near us whenever we pray to him?". God has a heart for me!! God hears the prayers of the righteous, and I am made right in Christ. The prophet Jeremiah gives us this promise of restoration: call to me (the Lord) and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do do not know. He tells us to ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks recieves; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

There is such a myriad of things that I am thinking about. Maybe I am viewing unanswered prayer from my perpective, maybe from God's perpective it is answered. Maybe he is developing my character, what is he teaching me? I will continue to search...anybody have insight about unanswered prayer?

But one thing that I know, is that I do have a God that I can trust in. I was reading in Luke about the parable of the persistent widow. Again, I am convicted. Jesus told his disciples this parable so that they should always pray and never to give up. The widow kept coming to the judge pleaing for justice. For some time the judge refused, but finally agreed to answer her request because she was unrelenting. This parable tell me to be persistant, like the widow. Persistant I will be then. So pray for me not to give up on praying for my family. And pray for the salvation of them with me.

I still haven't fully understood all the power in praying. I still have a lot to learn about prayer, meditation, and listening. Slowly I am learning.

The next best thing

Well, I have a new gizmo. I absoultely love my new ipod. I have never had one before, but I don't know how I managed to live without one for so long. I orginally didn't buy any mp3 players or ipods because I listen to my music way to loud. But I made a promise to myself; one that the volume will not exceed any decimals that may cause further damage to my already almost deaf ear. I am just looking forward to being able to have my music with me when I go tree planting. Which, I leave this month!!! Crazy.

Your face is written in my soul

Garcilaso de la Vega (1501-1536)
Your face is written in my soul, and when
I want to write about you, you alone
Become the writer, I but read the line;
I watch you where you still watch me, within.
This state I am and always will be in.
For though my souls imprints a half-design
Of what I see in you, the good unkown
Is taken on a trusting regimen.
what was I born for if not to adore you?
My ills have shaped you to the bent they give.
I love you by a daily act of soul.
All that I have I must confess I owe you.
For you I came to life, for you I live,
For you I'd die, and do die, after all.

hey guys, I guess I haven't posted in awhile. I have been working, which has been keeping me occupied and school, which, I technically should be working on a ten page paper due wednesday morning. I am writing it for my native studies class, I am discussing the breakdown of the family and the effects of residential schooling. I kinda breaks my heart to hear about the stories of what happened during that time.

I was sitting at tim hortons the other day doing some reading. It was during the afternoon and a bunch of elderly people came in. Sometimes I just like to watch people, I know it sounds kinda creepy. This one fellow was so cute. He went up to the till and asked for a rrroooolll up the rim to win!! and then started to say that he was going to win that boat!! it was soo cute. And then a bunch of women sat down beside me and said, "make sure we save some spots for our boyfriends!" hehe...

Life is only a blink of an eye and there is a lot of living to do.

I should go and get ready so i can head off to the university. But I want to leave off with a few Bible verses.
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbol. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all the mysteries and all the knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. IF i give all that I posses to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. When I was a child I talked like a child, thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, thenI shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And all these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love" (1corinthians 1:31-4, 11-13)
" Just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justificaiton that brings life for all men. For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous"(Romans 5:18-19)
" For you did not recieve a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you recieved the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba. Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit and that we are God's Children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory". (Romans 8:15-17)
"What have you done by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn't we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians?' It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!. Moses ansered the people. "Do not be afriad. Stand firm and the you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. THE LORD WILL FIGHT FOR YOU; YOU NEED ONLY TO BE STILL". (Exodus 14: 11-14)

duct tape

I have a ikea bed, one that is very cheaply made, but it does the trick, well it did. The bed has a wooden frame where a piece of thin metal runs along length of it. This thin piece of metal is responsible for holding up the wooden planks, which are of the cheapest qualitiy as well, that fit in the wooden frame to hold up the mattress. Can you see the problem arising? I have had many problems with these planks of wood falling down creating a crater in my bed. So then I usually, pull off the mattress put which ever plank of wood that fell off the metal runner back into place, then I can go back to having a normal bed. This method has (or had) been working for over a year now.
Then one night as I was sleeping peacefully I must of rolled into a week point because I woke up to the sound of my bed saying, crack(feeling one board go ) crack (feeling another board go)crack(and another one) crack (and yet another one) crack (translated, " i can't hold you up anymore"). I am now wedged between my mattress and wide awake.
A week later I finally decided to fix this little problem. I duct taped the planks of wood to the metal runner, which I thought was a pretty good idea, hey?? Anywho, last night as I was again sleeping peacefully, my bed fell apart, again.....Really I know I have gained some weight but this, this is ridiculous! So I think I am giving up on the bed. At least I know the floor wont cave in...

a little secret

So, here it is...
I have no clue what I am doing most of the time.

I was thinking lately about what passions God has laid on my heart.

I think I have come to the conclusion that I am going to go into ministry. Have no clue when, or where or how or what I will be doing.

But I have a vision

And it is a good one

and someday

it will happen....


your word is a lamp onto my feet and a light onto my path

I am getting excited


This weekend was awesome to go home. I love meeting new people and seeing the work that God has been doing in their lives. I love the stars, I love the warmer temperatures of the south.

I was driving home on thursday night. It was a beautiful night out. But Between Shaunavon and frontier there is a huge valley. The moon was full and there was dense fog in the valley leveling off at the top. IT felt like I was in a plane looking down at the heavens below. Illuminated by the bright moonlight, it saturated the fog, highlighting every corner and fold of the valley. Breathtaking....i wish you could of seen it.

Brace yourself for this....

So, I don't usually listen to her, but as I was radomly walking in walmart, I saw her CD. And I bought it. I had friends already told me that they were going to disown me. Haha....
confession tho...i don't mind some of the songs....they are kinda catchy....

Things on the brain...

Spending time with family and friends, midterms, notes, cars that don't start, get notes, meetings, eating popcorn, hockey games, road trips, God-inspiring, waiting, deciding, hoping, craming, late nights, early mornings, red bull, chocolate, deep converstations, french vanillas, running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, laughing, reading, freezing cold temperatures, excitement for warmer days, ways to fix my bed that collapsed while I was sleeping, Augustine, concerts that have been up lifting, meeting interesting people at the concerts, age of empires,cats (pyscho cats especially), planning, china, hong kong, Haiti, dance music, blancing, Lost, assignments, alone time, sleeping in, scheming to scare kjersti, being silly.....
Trying not to make the meaningless things meaningful.

Whirlwind of a week

So Breakforth was an awesome weekend! It was nice to escape from saskatoon and spend time with some friends i have not seen in while...i miss you guys! And of course God moved in my heart, but this year was different from other years I have gone. I don't even know how to put my finger on it. I think it has to do with my own healing and walk with Christ, the other years that I went, it felt that God totally changed me through the weekend. I totally learned things and God spoke to me, but it's cool because I think the dynamic of my relationship with God is changing; how I view Christ, how i view my-self...Again I can't quite put my finger on it!
on the saturday night I went with my friend Chelsea to watch the emerson letters. I bought a t-shirt, they are really nice! It was funny though, because I used to live in the neighboor hood of the avenue skate park. Actually building is where I saw my first movie, mrs. doubtfire. It used to be a movie theater...I lived on 91st and a 119th ave...sketchy part of the city. Seeing the area, it kinda brought up some memories from when I was a kid, funny how that happens.
There has been a lot going through my head lately. If you have been watching the news lately they have been talking about the Yellow Quil reserve. Two little sisters froze to death in -50 weather. Their dad who was drunk, took them outside in t-shirts and diapers. The dad passed out and a couple hours later, somebody saw him and called the ambulance. When he woke up he asked about his kids. Then they found the two little girls frozen. This saddens me.
As somebody who wants to go into social work, I know that I am going to have to do my dues in the child protection end of it, unless you are really lucky and can get in the hospital or school side of it. Working at the nursery ( which it is already the child protection end of it),i also get a glimpse of some social workers down at the department. I haven't had a lot of positive experiences with them, sometimes I wonder why certian social workers are even in the area of child protection. With some of the apprehended children that come into the nursery, to read their file of what they have gone through, some of it is horrific. Then to see them bounce from foster home to foster home....or when they put them in homes where they have not really done a background check....stupid!!!...
okay I am going on to a different subject right now, I am getting mad, and it is a lot more complex then what i am describing.
I really like going to work, I love putting babies and kids to sleep, and I really appreicate the people that I work with. I am going to buy a rocking chair, one of those wooden ones.
My other thoughts have been on a gal that I see once a week. She is sweet, kind hearted, and gentle. She died her hair red, it makes me feel so flattered! Another reason why I don't want to leave to go tree planting, but I think that I am going to work it out with BBBS that I can send her packages through the summer. I don't know if I have impacted her life, but I know that she has impacted mine!
Also, I have a new plan. When I am 35ish, I am going to adopt a bunch of kids from all over the world. I might not be married, but meh, I am sure that I would get lots of support from my community and if they are in a over crowed orphanage, and having a single mom would be better than nothing!


I am always filled by knowing that I am not alone. We weren't meant to be alone. Even tho some days I don't feel like this, but the truth is not rested upon my fickle feelings. It stands firm. He will never leave me nor forsake me... He holds my hand and guides me, He captures every tear I shed in a bottle, He rejoices in me, He knows my heart, and He will never stop loving me. I will never be alone.

Blessings!

The Valley of Dry Bones

I watched p.s I love you tonight, it's the first movie i cried watching since.....star wars revenge of the sith. Ha ha...I am a nerd. Although it was sad in some parts, i really liked the over all general feel/message of the movie.
I wont go on about the movie, i wouldn't want to wreck it for all you who haven't seen it yet.

I wish i could pull the e-brake on life right now. It's going by sooo fast and it doesn't help that so many things are going on so many things to look forward to(breakforth is this weekend is just one of them!!!). Three more months and I am back in the bush again, which is going to be a heck of a lot harder to leave the city this year than it was last year.

I am about 75% sure that i am going to take a break from school next year.

I have a power point presentation to do for my soc 220 class and I have to fill the silence for a half an hour, hopefully maintaining the attention of my fellow class mates. My intervertness is telling me just to do the research paper instead; but I am forcing myself to do the class presentation instead and to tell you the truth, I want to share what I have to say...I remember back in high school, I hated reading out loud, my face got red, i stuttered when I got nervous, I liked to fade away. I got really intimidated by people so I never went up to introduce myself. So i immersed myself in sports.

Man i have changed a lot and hopefully I will continue to change as I grow more and more in Christ...

The funny thing tho, I would rather do a twenty page paper on anything pretaining to biblical studies then write a 5 page paper on the stuff that I am taking now. I mentioned before that I am close to getting a degree in biblical studies. I feel so ill prepared, I feel like I have so much still to learn....so not ready yet. I really miss having a mentor, i have been blessed in the past to have one, I guess it is something for me to pray about.

I have been listening to the band Red. I got their cd in april last year, a couple weeks before I headed out tree planting. I am actually listening to them now, i really like them, i recommend getting their cd.

I have been facsinated by the book of Ezekiel lately hence the valley of dry bones.

I should go to bed....

It's a new year

Its weird to think that I am done a semester of classes already and starting in to some new ones already. Where has the time gone by?
I had classes last week, i feel though I haven't switched gears into be a student again. I have class tomorrow morning at 8:30...bah....i signed up for that class in july when I was getting up at 5:30 each morning thinking that 830 class would be no problem, forgetting that I usually don't go to bed at a decent time during the school year...oh well :P
i wish i was done school. Seriously tho, i have been in school for five years already. I am wanting to be done, and right now, it is really hard to have the drive to do school when my heart is in so many different places. I am also a credit away from getting my degree in applied biblical studies from clbi, which i could of finished it off last year...maybe I should finish it off this year??? I am also at the stage of being able to apply as a social work qualifying student, but who knows, i might not go back to school next year, pray for me... i think the adventurous side of me I have been trying to keep latent is starting to create a restlessness in me.
But..I am learning how to manage my time. I have more classes than last year, working more hours than last year, I have more responsiblities this year, and I am trying to maintain good friendships with everybody. I think I work better understress and the classes that I have taken so far I have ejoyed....And I know the general direction that God is calling me to do, and to do it, I need to the schooling to help equip me to do it soooo...(back at square one..)
I was thinking about 1 peter 5:5 today. ...all of you clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble...I was thinking about the fine line of false humility and true humility (which is, to my understaning, and from what I have been told, is: not relying on your own strength but Gods) And I was thinking about the importance of walking with eachother in true humility, being able to ask for help, allowing others to see your baggage. God definitly uses us help others... to be a friend... to listen.. be able to see the value of a person beyond their actions...when we are humble.
I think i am thinking about this because I am going to be starting to volunteer somewhere, somewhere I am going to have to be tested and totally transparent. So, again, if you are reading this, pray for me, pray that God will work in my heart to become humble, pray for wisdom for me, pray for patience, pray that God will send me His strength.
well,its late and I have to get up in a few hours and I have been listening to the same song on repeat for a while now.
I hope all of you are doing well, I am praying for you too!