taking the plunge.

Have you ever gone wall climbing? I can't say that I enjoy it too much. I have discovered that I have a slight fear of heights which makes my legs shake when I am trying to pull my self up. I have visions of slipping and bending my finger nails backwards. There is also the real fear being heavier than the person spotting me, while I am plummeting towards the floor he or she is experiencing lift. I believe that these are very rational fears which supports my decision on not participating in such activities. I have had a reoccurring dream throughout my life. The dream is not exactly the same though. However, the basic premise is about me falling. Some of these "falling" heights have included standing on a chair, being on a mountain side, on top of a staircase, one time a cloud and have also included standing on top of a large dam. They usually jolt me awake. Recently I have been thinking about these dreams more. I think I have another real fear that I have been ignoring for a while, and that is taking the plunge. I want to experience God. All, I want is God. I believe that this was reconfirmed in my life when I went to Costa Rica. I saw how God was using each person in the Church there. I saw the passion and the commitment that they had for their God given vision for the Cabacar people. I need to bring that intensity for God into my everyday life here in Canada, here in Swift Current. I am praying for revival here in Swift and it starts with me, in my heart. I have realized I have become the very thing that I did not ever want to be: complacent. I think God has brought me to a very pivotal point in my relationship with Him. I live a Christian life. I go to Church, try to keep up with my devotional time, I don't usually swear, I don't really drink or go out to the bars. However, I think I fell of the Spiritual ban wagon and I need to get back on [it's a slow fade!]. I don't know what it is going to look like. I think that I need to get a mentor back in my life. I am also praying for my group of friends here. That somehow we can get super passionate for the Lord, and that we can talk about how God is working in our lives, instead of always making superficial talk. I am praying that God will reveal himself here.
Taking the plunge and following God means that I have to let go of things that I want for my life. I know sometimes this decision is harder at times. I think it is why I have been reluctant to verbally say it {it's been a two year process}. Letting go of the fact that I may never get married, or have kids, or I may have to give up certain comforts, drive a ugly vehicle, may be in a foreign country or perhaps some small town where I don't know anybody. I am also trusting that God will take me where I need to go in His due timing, so I also don't need to worry about it {but just have the discernment to know} .
So, I was thinking how much I hate wall climbing, but how much I loved repelling. The first time I went I was on the side of a mountain, high above the tree tops. There was a huge adrenaline rush as I leaned back and let myself go over the edge. I feel like this is a good metaphor of how I am feeling. Once I let myself go, I experienced the best rush of my life.
May God bless and keep you. May His face shine upon you and give you His peace.
-Marian

Blah Blah Blah

Just a quick update...
-still taking classes...I am doing an expressive art and play therapy class. Which means I get to play with play dough and toys during class, it's stellar.
The second class that I am taking is anti-oppressive social work... Both are a lot of work for six weeks...in which I have not done anything yet in them.

-On June 14th -18th I am in Regina for a week of classes. I then head off with the university to go to Detroit. I am super excited about that. I am sure it will be a lot of work as well, but it will be worth it.

-I then come back to Canada, still have a day of classes. Head back to Swift, unpack, head off to medicine hat for a fundraiser...Come back to Swift...repack, then I head off Costa Rica.

pray for me.

When I was in Grade 3, I remember we watched a video on Roberta Bondar, which inspired me to want to be an astronaut. I still think it would be a cool occupation, but those things involve math, and I hate math. Then in grade 7 I decided that I wanted to be a photographer. This still interests me and maybe someday I will take a photography class. In grade 12, I thought that I wanted to travel and do cool things like, learn how to shoot a gun or fly a plane. So I thought, why not join the reserves. So I did.
Then I got a letter in the mail asking me if I wanted to go to Bible School. So I went. I had no clue what I was going to do after it, I realized I had this idealistic view of the reserves and didn't really want to go in it. It took me a long time and then I decided that I wanted to go into social work. So, I started the voyage into university.
Now I am going to be a Social Worker! I got my acceptance in the mail today. Hopefully I will be done by April 2011 (if the classes work out!).
The end is in sight, well sort of....another year and a bit...another year and a bit.

Hard wood floors, Kjersti I feel your pain.

This post is dedicated to you kjersti, because I know that you have probably experienced the same pain I have.
I was in a rush, throwing things around in my room, trying to find my keys. I was ready and had my backpack full of books strapped on my back, my laptop in my shoulder bag, and a purse in one hand. I ran around the corner to the stair case. As, my left foot left the top floor, my right foot slipped, due to slippery socks and I made a decent down the flight of stairs in a not-so-graceful way. Each step pounded my bottom and I spilled out into the porch. Usually I am home alone during the day, but it just so happens that both my roommates were able to witness my stellar entrance. I started to laugh hysterically, because I was slightly embarrassed. Then the realization that my laptop also came with me for the ride hit. But, to my great happiness, it still works, and seems okay to me. This happened yesterday and I am pretty sure I bruised my tailbone and banged my elbow pretty good. Today I learned my lesson and went barefooted.

"I have a midterm this week?"

While I am sitting here typing I am feel slightly guilty that I am not being the studious student that I should be. Instead of studying for a midterm that I just recently found out that I have on Thursday, I decided to make use of my time differently. (I just sat through class for nine hours...I am taking a well deserved break...so I rationalize to myself).

So why the picture? I thought that it was rather funny actually. I have been super busy this month. This semester I am being a full time student taking five classes. I have never done this before. I am taking Social work 417 which is alcohol and other substance abuse; Human Justice 201; Social Work Practice 2; History 101; Sociology of the families. Three of my classes are on Tuesday, which I have deemed Marathon Tuesday. Nine hours of lecture wouldn't bother me so much, except I don't start until 1pm and I finish at 9:45pm. I want to be done by April 2011, God willing. So I am also going to be a full time student throughout the summer as well. I am also working at South West Crisis Services (speaking of which, I got reminded that I have a staff meeting tomorrow morning...this is what happens when I don't write things down on my day planner). I work casually there, it's been great for learning and I love talking to my co-workers and the clients.
I originally thought that I may need more money, so I thought of working full time and then also doing school part time. Sometimes I think I am invincible, but when I started to get advice from others they urged me not to do it. I am thankful for that, it's the end of january and I am behind in school work, working casually. It's interesting though, I was stressed out about the whole money situation, but God kept reminding me that I am precious to Him, and I mean more than the birds in the air. So I trusted it would work out after a period of stressing. It's amazing how God is Jehovah-Jirah (hopefully I spelled that right). And He provided through the generous gifts (thanks to the Anderson family!!!!).
Anyways, back to the picture. I don't remember it being taken, thanks to the sedatives that were running through my veins. This was taken right after they removed my wisdom tooth. I guess I was having coherent conversations with people. My friend said that I was getting upset at the assistant who didn't believe me when I said I don't ever remember being on anti-biotics. Which to my knowledge, I don't remember...my mother is anti-drugs, so I would have had to have been on my death bed to get them. I don't remember how I got out of the midtown plaza, or the conversation I supposedly had with some lady as my friend went to find her car (don't remember that either). I don't remember the drive to my friends' place. In fact I woke up about four hours later and thought that I missed my appointment, until I felt the bloody gauze in my cheek. To say the least, I was supper disoriented. I don't like that feeling. Anywho, the doctor gave me a prescription for Hydromorphone. Yeah, that was excessive....*anyone wonder why we have a prescription drug problems in society??* Anyways, I did use three of them. It's interesting how it was such a jump: advil or the pill form of morphine? I took two the day after (it was my jaw that hurt more so) and then because I was driving on friday home, I didn't take anything, not even advil (it was raining, and I knew that the roads were going to be bad). So when I got home I took an Advil, BreAnn also stayed with me on friday...the roads turned really nasty. But we went to a friends house to watch a movie. My jaw started to ache...so I took another one of those pills. Which, by the way, makes you sweat...it knocked me out pretty good too. I just stayed on top of it with advil from then on and it was fine. However, taking advil every four hours for four days straight then sporadically....I had a killer headache when I went the day with out it. So I chugged lots of water. I am going to hand back the rest of my prescription to the drug store. But what if I had addiction problems, yes there was a check box for that when I was filling out my medical history, but I don't think even if you were someone who struggled with it, you would check it. And they gave me a pretty good sized prescription. (if you are ever you tubing you should put pharmparties in the search box and watch the video).
Enough with that.
This past weekend, I went to Breakforth. It was good to be in that type of environment. I am sure that every Christian has ups and downs in their walk. Lately I have been feeling distant from God. Everybody refers to it as roller-coaster. I am thankful that even though that I have those moments in time, that the disparity between my ups and downs are starting to become closer. In those times where I see my bible, and I choose not to open it, God still talks to me. This has been going on since I came back from south africa. It's kind of hard for me to explain; besides I feel like Jonah. Intentionally avoiding God because I know what his has called me to do may be extremely difficult. Part of it is that He is challenging to rid myself of things that distract me and become holy, as Jesus makes me holy. He gives me dreams: sometimes I see myself married, with a family, a loving husband, children, adopted children, doing what God called me to do in my vocation. Sometimes, I see myself in Cambodia, working to get girls out of the sex trade. I see myself doing the same thing here. Sometimes I dream about working with the United Nations as a peacekeeper and going back to Africa to help. Sometimes, I see myself being single, working in a school setting, or being a child advocate. Social Work is very secular profession and I know that I am constantly in a collision of worldviews, but strangely it makes me excited. Because I get to be like Jesus amongst people who are completely different in their views than I. Maybe I am a firm believe that leading a Christian vocation, ministry, doesn't just happen within the confines of the church setting. And I think that it is often harder, because you sometimes are alone in your class, or where you work. But thankfully God gives us support systems...aka the body of Christ. So going to breakforth was good for me, I needed to hear somethings, be convicted of somethings, and I am not going to sleep through the alarms that are going off. So I have met my whale, and may God give me the strength to keep on in Him. As my friend Dawn would say, "keep on keeping on". So I am keep on keeping on and waiting for what doors He opens for me.
Well, I should go and start on some homework...

Last year at this time I was getting ready to leave for South Africa with BreAnn. As I have been thinking about it, I have been remembering what I learned over there. I have not really posted about it. I only shared it at church, so sorry you get to hear this again. But I went to an orphanage called the Love of Christ. It was for infants and children up to age three. If they were not adopted out, the would be adopted into the main family. There were a lot of babies there. Practical skill wise, I learned how to feed children really fast, change diapers really fast, make baby food, work with children with disabilities...and so forth.
I have come to realize that God has given me the gift of compassion. But I have a heart for the poor, for the marginalized, abused, for the sick, and if it was not for that, I would not be going into social work as a career. One of the verses that continued to speak to me throughout my stay was "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws" Ezekiel 36:26.
It is easy for people to have compassion for those who have been in a place of abuse, for orphans, for people who have come through horrific circumstances. But it is not so easy to forgive and love those who are the abuser, who are the oppressors, who are mean and detestable. God loves them, so shouldn't I?
I am not saying this is an easy thing. I have been struggling with loving people who have hurt me. But I have come to a place where I can forgive those people and honestly I want them to find Christ and I want them to feel loved. I know that we have all have our personal stories and you might be ready to hear this. Some of you might feel still angry at those who have hurt you. Some of you might be in denial of people you have to forgive. But I will tell you a little secret, something that has taken me a long time to learn: forgiveness key for a healthy relationship with God, it enables me to help let go of bitterness. Sometimes, you may never hear a person tell your they are sorry for what they have done to you, but you have to forgive anyways. If you don't then you create bitterness in your heart, and I will place money on that it is rarely bothering the person you need to forgive. Really we are the ones who are in charge of our own emotions. We are the ones who say I am angry at you, I am sad, I am happy.... I am also not trying to validate an abusers actions and trying to write them off, but there is a point where you have to let go.
Some of the parents of the children who were at the orphanage did detestable things to their children. There was a little boy and girl who was there. When the mom came to visit, she never came to visit with the young boy, just the girl. She was also a prostitute, it makes you worried when you know her history and when you know she is only interested in getting the girl back in her care. It does make a person mad.
"You have heard that it was said, love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you that you may be sons of your Father in heaven...If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not the tax collectors doing that? and if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even the pagans do that?" Matt 5:43-47 What good are we if we only love the selected few? I think we don't often talk about it because we live in a society that likes to be comfortable with Christianity. Or we go on other religious crusades but forget about the fundamentals of Christianity: Love. It is the greatest commandment. The cool thing about it is God gives us the heart of flesh to do it. It is not Marian, but God.

Student loans are stupid. They never give you enough money. I don't understand why they have to make life so miserable for those who have to use them. It's not like your not going to pay them back. Even if a person files for bankruptcy you still are obligated to pay them off. Today was the first day of classes. I was talking with my classmates, they all have the same opinion of student loans (they are evil). Anyways, student loans is only paying for 4 out of my 5 classes. I also just finished paying off my textbooks and I have to come up with up to $900 to get my wisdom tooth out. Did I mention it is one tooth? My mom has insurance, it just sucks, who has $900 up front. So I am gambling and hoping that it doesn't cost that much.
Well back to my classmates discussing student loans. One lady in her forties gave me some advice:
-"you should find a rich boyfriend who has good insurance and would pay for schooling for you".

I am thinking, "Maybe if I have a fairy Godmother, I also live in Swift Current, nice try though"

then she offered this suggestion, "Why don't you have a baby, then you get a lot of funding from the government to go to school"

Tempting, but I think I will pass.

I thought it was time for a change.

Hello Everybody,

I thought that I if I told (or write about it would be the better term, I guess)that I would keep myself more accountable. I like chocolate. A lot. But it is not just chocolate. I eat so much junk food. Really, I don't know how I have managed till now. I eat sugar like a five year old and I am going to have diabetes if I don't watch it. Now, I don't think there is anything wrong with eating it. I just eat it excessively. Kathryn always tells me, "Moderation Marian, Moderation!" Just ask kjersti where all her chocolate chips used to disappear to...
So here I am, confessing my binge eating habits. I always say that I will stop eating junk food, but it just doesn't happen. I would hate to know what I would be like if I actually had a serious addiction problem. :|
Okay, so I don't usually make new years resolutions, I usually break them, so why bother to make one...
But the more people I tell, the more people to keep me accountable. Not expressing my resolution could lead to a contributing factor to failure. And since I don't like people to think bad of me, it keeps me more in line. So here it is:
1) I am limiting myself to one chocolate bar a week
2) I will not order a French Vanilla or drink pop
3) I will go to the gym (I will learn how those exercise weight training gadgets work)
4) I will not eat chips or hot tamales

Sincerely, Marian