i know that God called me to be here, to be out in the wilderness, to be with the community of friends, to be learning, to be growing. sometimes i still doubt, sometimes, i would like to be at home, with familiarity, to be able to be there for the people that i care about. and i wonder, what the heck am i doing here. i find that tree planting is a very simple job. i kinda went from two extremes: one being the nursery, which was highly emotional, and interpersonal, to one that is highly physical that requires very little thinking. but i find that if you get into a rut of negative thinking, your thoughts could go down into a dark pit. i don't want to sound like i hate my life here, because i don't, but somedays, i just have a bad day. knowing that i am in the middle of the bush, feeling useless sometimes. i wonder what Jesus all did when he was in the wilderness; emersing himself with prayer, fasting, being tempted by satan.
i don't want to miss out on what God is teaching me being here in the bush. soon, i will be home. if you have been praying for me out here, i ask for prayer that i could continue to be focused with where i am. there is a lot of really cool people out here, i am looking foward to spending the next month with them.
right now, i am in grande prairie, spending sometime with sarah. we ended up having two days off, which made it nice. she just got her wisdom teeth out. (ouch!). she has been eating a lot of ice cream, and well, because we should share in eachothers sufferings, i too then felt that it was my duty to eat a lot of ice cream as well.
i love being around people who are honest.
i am going to write out a devotion that i read a while a go. it is from oswald chamber's, my utmost for his highest. the first one is called gracious uncertanity (it was the april 29th reading). the scripture verses are from 1 john 3:2.
" our natural inclination is to be so precise-trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next-that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. we think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of a spiritual life. the nature of a spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. consequently we do not put downroots. our common sense says, 'well what if i were in that circumstance?' we cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been. certainty is the mark of the commonsense life-gracious uncertainy is the mark of the spiritual life. to be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. this is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expecation. we are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, he begings to fill our lives with surprizes. when we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. that is not believing God-it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said,' ...unless you...become as little children..." (matthew 18:3). the spiritual life is the life of a child. we are notuncertain of God, but just uncertain of what he is going to do next. if our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. but when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. jesus said, '...believe also in me'. leave everything to himand it will be gloriouslyu and graciously uncertain how He will come in-but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him."
something else that i have been thinking about is: a lot of the times we are challenged: challenged by devotions, by a speaker, by friends, by a pastor, BY THE BIBLE, but am i changed? are you changed?
i am going to go to bed now. usually i am sleeping by 8:30, and it is now one thirty. May the peace of Christ be upon you. I am praying for you guys.
