you're a lifesatellite

Sometimes I don't look at my text messages before I send them.

Well, I am officially done school for this year. It's an indiscribable feeling right now...I still feel stressed, thinking that there is something I have to do, like I should be doing something right now, but I don't...Freeing. I feel so free right now, no papers, no finals, no assignments, no volleyball practice, no presentations. But yet, still stressed or paranoid or..i dunno...something. I think it will go away in time, as soon as start to get out of routine.

Swift Current has treated me well. I worked at a daycare here in town. Today was my second last day and I think I am going to be sad to leave. Today I flushed a two foot crap that was seriously the width of a can of pop down the toilet. I actually had to go outside, find a stick, and disect it in order for it to go down the toilet. This came out of a three year old girl who was sitting on the can balling. (i think i would be too, if that came out of me)

This weekend I get to go up to work at the crisis nursery. Being in saskatoon this weekend made me realize how much I miss the city. My friends, the organizations that I worked with, going for coffee with people. But, i will see where the road goes, when it's the right time.

After this weekend, I am heading home again for Christmas for a couple of days. I am not too sure how I feel about this. Last year I worked through the holidays. My mom invited my dad for dinner. I think i could take up Cassidy's invitation to go over to her house for supper, but I think it's time to stir up the hen house. This could get interesting. Then it's back up to saskatoon for a wedding, then back down again for kjersti's wedding, then back up to saskatoon.

I am racking up the kilometers on mustache.

Anways back to Christmas. I am looking forward to it, well and the fact that I will actually be home for it this year, despite certain circumstances I don't want to be around, I will find joy in it, even if it turns into world war three, like Christmases (is that a word?) in the past have. Christmas has never been a really joyous time for me, to be honest. In my youth I would look around to everybody's normal christmas, family gathering, warm houses, baking, the smell of cinnamon, and see normality. Then I hated Christmas because then I got this pious christian attitude about consumerism and how so many forgot the Christ in Christmas. Society spends so much money on things that were not eternal; and then go to church, forgetting about the people who are in need. I am not so much the grinch anymore when it comes to it. Firstly, when you love somebody, it's a normal thing to give a gift to that person. Secondly, the statistic for Canadians who call themselves a Christian is 80%. Is that why other countries are sending missionaries to our country? True Christmas is something to be celebrated, not to forget the orphans and widows, and I would argue that there is a percentage in that 80% who are doing it, I look up to them. Lastly, by focusing on the negative is taking away my joy for Christmas, that a gift was born for me, freely for me to take. So in a sense it was a false guise of thinking that I was on the right path, but I just flew from one side of the pendulm to another. So, back to the symballism of giving a free gift to another, it does show this love, but to also extend love to our brother and sisters in need. But even when I write this I sit convicted, because I know that I still have a lot of work left in my life in this area. But I know that God has worked in me to have a willing heart to learn and push, that someday my Potter will make a peice of art out of me.

I think this is the most I have blogged consistantly in awhile. I should be studying for religous studies, but as per usual, I procrastinate. Like always.
Meh.
So, I was thinking how ironic is was for me to go to Camrose this weekend. It is kind of wierd going back to a place that you haven't seen in awhile. When I drove past mirror lake, a flood gate of memories came flooding in. I was thinking of bible school, friends I made at bible school. A lot has changed over the years. I look back at clbi as my dark years. Wierd, though, because I was a bible school, learning about God, surrounded by other students my age. To be honest, I was really depressed during my time there. Looking back at my old journals from Bible school makes me laugh, and I wonder how I could of been in that mind frame, to think that of myself.
God did a lot of work in my heart. I think that I had supressed a lot in my life, and it finally surfaced when I got confronted with it. God started to reveal himself to me. God moved in me like a frieght train.
But now I think I am at another changing point in my life.
Usually, I have a plan, something, that I can control, a security net. All I know is that I am heading off soon. In April I have no clue what I am going to be doing, no clue where I am going to be, no clue about anything. It is kinda scary thinking about it especially if you have student loans.
But I am letting go of it. as with other things in my life I cannot control.


I was in Camrose for the western canadian volleyball championships. I remember when i was at clbi watching the augustana vikings. i remember thinking about how good they where and how I would never be able to make it on a team. This weekend I got to play them, they are not as scarey as i thought. Funny how you put things on pedestals making them so unattainable.
I wasn't sure if I would even make it on the college team here. But I decided to try anyways, that way I could see my sister on the weekends. For someone who hasn't played in six years, I felt honored to get a league all star award although i felt that I didn't deserve it. Then at westerns this weekend I got an all star award too.
I think I am eating my humble pie.

I don't know where I was going with that. I just think it is all ironic.

on the ipod

what can i do with my obsession?
with the things i can't see
is there madness to my being?
is it wind that blows the trees?
sometimes you further than the moon
sometimes you are closer than my own skin
and you surround me like a winter fog
you've come and burn me with a kiss
and my heart burns for you
and my heart burns

and i am so flithy with my sin
i carry pride like a disease
you know that i am stubborn God
and I am longing to be close
you burn me deep into the unknown
and i feel lonely with out hope
i feel desperate without vision
you wrap around me like the winter cold
you come and free me like a bird
and my heart burns for you
and my heart burns for you

In psalm 63 it says, "O God you are my God; I earnestly search for you. My soul thrists for you; my whole body longs for you in this parched and weary land where this is no water"

I don't know what is wrong with me lately. On tuesday, I locked my keys in my car...if there is a will, there is a way... and on saturday morning I found that I had put my keys in the wash, because I forgot to take them out. And now, I CAN'T FIND THEM, it is driving ME (haha..not my) nuts....I just tore apart my room, there is clothes everywhere...I have ran through all three levels of the house, still can't find them...I can't even find my spare key....
klajsdflkajsdlfkjasdlkfja'ldfja'lksjdfalksjdf'laksjdf'lkasjdflkajsdflkajsdlkfjaslekjf
i feel better now.