To be still

It is two-thrity in the morning and I have no calling for bed. I think I want to explain a bit more on he poem, On his Blindness and why I posted it. Sometimes I say or do things without explaining things, mostly because I am not really good at expressing it. So hopefully I can communicate it and you will be able to understand where I am coming from.
Has God ever called you to do something, or you get a glimpse of what you are supposed to do, but you know that you are not ready to do that yet. Milton wrote On His blindness just before writing Paradise Lost. He had a mission, he was called to write it, so much so, it bothered him ( you get the feeling of restlessness)...It was his one Talent...what God called him to do. In the poem, the one Talent was referring to the Parable of the Talents. The Parable of the Talent....the master gave each servant a talent(s) according to their capabilities. Anyways, the last servant buried his talent because he was afraid to use it and the master called him wicked and lazy. God has given me a talent, just as he has given you a talent. Honestly, I am scared to use it. Mostly because it entails being exposed...which is the opposite of what I naturally want to do, hide, like how the servant buried his Talent. Then I get into this whole performance orientation thing....Am I letting God use me enough? Am I reading my Bible enough...am I praying enough.....am I evangelizing, tithing, ...when is enough? When do you get into that balance of an intimate relationship with God where striving to perform ceases? Does that ever occur? Is it a something you want to have: being content with your relationship with God?... Or will I be always be thinking...well I can always improve in this area... But then it hit me....and I was totally missing the point of a relationship with God....Be still and know that I am God... So this is where I am...Being still....being patient even in the face of restlessness....and knowing that I will always fall short, but God's grace is abundant....and he loves me...despite my best efforts to please him....and trusting when the time is right and when I am ready, my talent will be used. The last line in the poem, it says, "They also serve who only stand and wait." God is not using me any less in this time or in this moment. So instead of feeling like I am useless, I know to slow down and ask God..."where do you want to use me today?". And that is where it starts.... so when I get to heaven...hopefully God will say, "well done good and faithful servant". As for being content with my relationship with God... I think I will always want to know, learn and better my relationship....but also to know when to be still...letting God speak to me....and yes he knows everything about me...but he wants to build a relationship with me as well...and that can't happen if I am wrapped up in myself. I should go to bed now.